Elizabeth Scott, PhD and Visweswaran Balasubramanian
Are you waiting for your salary, promotion, future spouse, children, improved health, etc.? The time spent waiting in line can feel like a waste if it’s spent doing nothing. Studies in the psychology of queueing suggest that uncertain waits feel longer than finite waits, and unexplained waits feel longer than explained waits. The study of any problem involving waiting situations invariably assumes that people dislike having to wait. The analysis of queueing problems usually prescribes that some costs should be associated with the time people spend waiting to be served. These are usually considered to be of an economic nature, though the existence of other costs of a psychological nature is accepted. It is generally accepted that after having to wait for a certain amount of time, anxiety and stress start to build up in an individual, due both to the sense of waste and the uncertainty involved in a waiting situation.
Is there anything more agonizing than being in limbo? Time may seem to slow to a crawl when you’re waiting for high-stakes news like a hiring decision, a biopsy result, or the end of a pandemic. Kate Sweeny, PhD, of the University of California, Riverside, discusses what makes waiting so stressful, how the stress of waiting differs from other types of stress, the relationship between waiting and worrying, and strategies people can use to lessen anxiety and make waiting easier.
It’s the waiting that builds the character, sets the foundation, develops the useful habits and tests our courage. It’s the waiting that separates us from the pack. It’s the waiting that holds all the necessary ingredients that eventually makes our dreams come true.
ANNA LIND THOMAS
What are expectations?
An expectation is an emotional anticipation or belief of an occurrence that may take place in future. It’s a potential form of pseudo reality that we look forward to manifesting in our lives. Expectations can be from people or things or anything that is a variable outside of our Integral self.
Expectations refer to the beliefs that you hold about the outcomes of events. While these expectations can play an important role in determining what happens and can contribute to goal-directed behavior, they can also lead to disappointment when reality does not match up to what you had hoped would happen.
Some of the common signs that you might hold expectations include:
- Anticipating a certain outcome
- Holding a vision in your mind of how things will play out
- Having a set idea of what you want or need from a situation
Where do they come from?
Expectations arise as a combination or function of genetic predispositions, cognitive processes, attitude formation, social conditioning, cultural norms and one’s mindset & life experiences.
Why do we have expectations?
Human beings have the innate tendency to attribute their hopes for happiness to having expectations. And for that,, we look forward to the world around us being in consistent alignment with what we want so we can experience a reality in congruence with our expectations.
Consequences of Expectations:
A compromise on Integrity & killer of Authenticity
- There are only two possibilities, either we get what we want, or we don’t. As the expectation is being referred to as variable (something outside of one’s integral self) contextually, there is an equal likelihood for either of the outcomes.
- Either ways, if the source of fulfilling the expectation lies outside of one’s integral self, there’s a compromise on one’s integrity, as one is not complete in his/her psyche or state-of-being.
- The expectation (variable) here eventually leads to cognitive dissonance (residual), as one cannot be consistent in his/her thoughts, beliefs, actions, feelings, and behaviors.
- And any such dissonance has long term effects on one’s psychological or mental health damaging oneself.
- Any compromise on integrity is compromise on one’s character and refers to one’s non-existence.
- Also, when we have expectations from others (people), we distort their authentic-self, and we don’t get to see the world around us for what-it-is or who-they-are, if not our expectations.
So, what happens when you have expectations?
An expectation is a belief that is future centric. It can be realistic or unrealistic. On an emotional level, one has Anticipation while having expectations.
In Anticipation, one’s focus is on the obsessive outcome but not the journey. The moment one’s focus is deviated from the journey (where the essence is), there’s every possibility in not manifesting the outcome that was intended.
“When you try to stay on the surface of the water, you sink; but when you try to sink, you float’ and that ‘insecurity is the result of trying to be secure.” – (Alan Watts)
The modern philosopher Alan Watts referred to this as “The backwards law” (aka. The Law of Reversed Effort), which proposes that the more we pursue something, the more we achieve the opposite of what we truly want and the more disappointed we feel.
“The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.” (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson)
A Misconception:
With the phenomenon “The Law of Attraction”, we carry a misconception that expecting something merely to happen will make it happen. The problem does not lie with “The Law of Attraction”, we need to understand the context in which it was said, and it works. In “The Law of Attraction”, the outcome or reality resonates with one’s state-of-being and not simply because one wants it. For details, read here.
In “The Law of Attraction”, we don’t anticipate outcomes; we manifest them.
A Positive Perspective:
On a positive note, we have Pygmalion effect which is a psychological phenomenon in which high expectations lead to better performance. The idea behind this is that, when a leader’s expectation of the follower’s performance increases, it will eventually improve the follower’s performance. This is more on the motivational side where one’s expectations lead to positive outcomes in others; wherein our belief that someone does better in something will indeed make them do better as their efforts also resonate with our belief to produce that intended outcome. This was said in a different context of course.
A Perspective from Gita:
In Karma Yoga (“yoga of action”), there is only action (effort), an action without the sense of doership. Both doer and results become immaterial.
karmany-evadhikaras te ma phaleshu kadachana
ma karma-phala-hetur bhur ma te sango ’stvakarmani
(Bhagavad Gita, Chapter II, Verse 47)
You have a right to perform your prescribed duties, but you are not entitled to the fruits of your actions. Never consider yourself to be the cause of the results of your activities, nor be attached to inaction.
The Expectations vs. Reality Trap
A problem with expectations was made famous by the Charles Dickens novel, “Great Expectations.” The main character, Pip, inherits money from a secret benefactor. He views this fortune as a stepping stone to marrying the girl of his dreams.
When he ultimately learned that the money was not necessarily part of that larger plan, he realized that he had taken for granted so many important relationships and gifts in his life. His expectations had robbed him of fully appreciating his reality.
Expectations Can Reduce Gratitude
When your expectations outpace reality, it often means you don’t appreciate what you do have. Instead, you may find yourself expecting more or comparing what you do have to what you could have.
For example, one study found that participants who were exposed to a subliminal reminder of wealth spent less time savoring a chocolate bar and exhibited less enjoyment of the experience than other subjects who weren’t reminded of wealth.3
Gratitude is all about appreciating the things you do have instead of lamenting the things that you don’t. Research has found that practicing gratitude and working actively savor the moment can have a positive effect on subjective well-being and happiness.4
Expectations May Not Be Realistic
Finally, your expectations can get the better of you when you expect more than what is realistic in a given situation. You might expect your partner to live up to what you see in romance films, your job to be idealized versions you had as a child, or even your life to match what you see on Instagram.
Your expectations can create significant stress when they don’t match up with reality. Also, consider how social media can greatly contribute to this. You compare our own worst moments (those not deemed to be shareable online) to others’ best moments, which very often are filtered to seem perfect.
You may not even realize this mismatched comparison. This may be part of why those who spend more time on social media tend to be less happy.5
Recap
Your expectations for our lives may be unrealistic and skewed based on what you think others have. Remember that your perspective of what others have is limited and biased.
How to Stop Constantly Comparing Yourself With Others
Tips for Managing Expectations
Learning how to manage your expectation can be helpful when you are trying to avoid the expectations vs. reality trap. It’s important to take a deeper look into how your expectations stack up to reality (and how your mood is affected because of this).
Become Aware of Your Expectations
Start by assessing your expectations in a situation. If you’d like to get out of the expectations vs. reality trap, it all comes down to awareness. Becoming aware of what you are expecting is a great start. Becoming aware of what you “should” be expecting is also a wise idea.
- When you go into a new situation, ask yourself what you expect to happen.
- Ask yourself if your expectations should be this way. Where did these expectations come from and are they realistic?
- When you feel disappointed, try to think about whether it was realistic to expect what you were hoping for. (If so, make a plan for getting what you want next time. If not, think about managing your expectations and how to do this.)
Practice Gratitude
When you find that what is happening is not what you expected, actively look for the positives in what you have. You may find that once you get over the disappointment, you have something you didn’t initially realize you wanted. This helps you to be more appreciative of what you have.
Spend a few moments each day thinking about something you are grateful for. Or consider writing in a gratitude journal.
Don’t Make Comparisons
When you see others’ posts on social media and decide that you want what you see, remind yourself that this may not be reality. It’s great to know what direction you want things to go in, but don’t forget that what you see isn’t necessarily what others are actually living.
Consider What Really Makes You Happy
You may be overestimating how happy you would be once you have what you think you want. For instance, if you work a job you hate to save enough to buy an expensive car or nice clothes, you may find that your happiness is not very long-lasting.
Truly savor what you have. It’s okay to want more, but you can enjoy life so much more if you appreciate what you already have. Savoring what you have is a great way to expand the joy you experience in life.
Practice Emotional Acceptance
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling disappointed. Instead of trying to deny or suppress negative emotions like disappointment or jealousy, work on accepting these emotions as they are.
However, try comparing yourself to others who have less, not more. Or better yet, try not to compare yourself to others in general. The only person you should be competing with is you.
Ultimately, striving for more can lead you to work your hardest and do your best. At the same time, it can also rob you of joy, especially when you expect things to come more easily than they do or in a different way. Becoming more aware of your expectations and how they change your feelings toward your own reality can free you from disappointment and stress that comes from unrealistic expectations.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
- How can I manage my expectations in my relationship?
It is important to be aware of your expectations in order to manage them. Start by being honest with yourself about what you expect from the relationship. Then communicate your expectations to your partner. Discussing what you both want is important and gives you a place to start negotiating and compromising on expectations. Finally, remember to be flexible and willing to adapt as your relationship (and your expectations) evolve.
- How can I manage my expectations at work?
You can keep your expectations realistic in the workplace by regularly checking in with yourself and setting realistic and achievable goals. Remind yourself that no situation is perfect and other people are also flawed and prone to making mistakes.
If you find that your expectations are not being met, it is important to take a step back and assess the situation. Try to understand why it happened and what you can do differently in the future. Remember that expectations are just beliefs—they are not always reality.
Final thoughts to Ponder:
- There are no short cuts, everything is to be earned through one’s consistency in character with persistent efforts
- We don’t get something simply because we want, we get only what we deserve. What we deserve comes from who we are and who we choose to become.
- Our desirable end-states of existence (Terminal values) come from our preferred/chosen modes of behavior (Instrumental values). Refer to Instrumental Vs. Terminal values (Rokeach Value Survey)
- What we want from the world around should be a by-product of our outward expression in our consistent behaviors of character with Integrity, only what comes this way will stay.
- Abundance lies in the ‘Here-and-now’, be mindful of the present moment and pay attention, perform action, and experience the essence in the journey
- Cultivate acceptance & gratitude of the world around for what-it-is.
- The more intensely one is noble & compassionate in his/her outward expression, the more positively one impacts the world around
- Develop Internal Locus of control
Conclusion:
Earn with Integrity & Spend with Compassion
Some quotes:
“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportions to my expectations.” ~ Michael J. Fox
“Expectation is the root of all heartache” ~ William Shakespeare
“Expectations are premeditated resentments.” ~ Anonymous
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped.
— Fritz Perls, “Gestalt Therapy Verbatim”, 1969
In the audio below, Kate Sweeny, PhD, of the University of California, Riverside, discusses what makes waiting so stressful, how the stress of waiting differs from other types of stress, the relationship between waiting and worrying, and strategies people can use to lessen anxiety and make waiting easier.