Practicing reciprocity in relationships is one of the best ways to keep the relationship moving. If you don’t practice reciprocity, it will be challenging to understand what your partner wants. Also, it would be difficult for them to see your point of view regarding any issue.
However, we don’t consciously think about this idea of reciprocity when it comes to friendships and romantic relationships. Reciprocity is a mutual exchange of actions, goods, energy, time, emotion, etc. between two people. Reciprocity is similar to a game of tennis or ping pong. There’s a rhythm or a flow of a back and forth exchange. When someone reciprocates our efforts, it can leave us feeling validated in our choices and friendship, energized to keep going in this friendship or relationship and give more, and leaves us with this overall sense that we are valued and appreciated. Meaningful friendships as well as romantic relationships requires investment, and reciprocity can be the gauge of whether or not the investment is worth it. A few things to note about reciprocity: This article focuses on the reciprocity between peers. Reciprocity cannot be measured in all relationships, for example a parent/child relationship. There is nothing reciprocal about being a parent. You love your child unconditionally often expecting and receiving nothing in return. It’s a much different relationship than relationships with a peer or a spouse, and that is to be expected.
Individual Therapy: It’s okay to assess
Often when clients are challenged to asses the reciprocity, or the “give and take” in their relationships, a common complaint is they feel guilty and greedy for exploring how their relationships benefit them. Assessing reciprocity is not about “tit for tat,” it about taking an honest look at the dynamics in your relationships and assessing the investment on each side.
Where in the relationship do you feel fulfilled? Where you each get your needs met and fulfillment in the relationship may be entirely different, and that’s common. However, if you’re unable to identify exactly what you’ve invested in and where you typically get something out of the relationship, then this may be a friendship you may want to reconsider.
Individual Therapy: When assessing, here are some areas you may want to explore
-Do you receive emotional support from this person? Encouragement?
-Is she/he there at a moments notice when you’re in need? Or, has this person filled this role rather regularly in the past?
-Do you feel you can be completely honest with this person, even if it poses potential conflict?
-Does this person serve as inspiration? Either through words or action?
-Do you feel (more often than not) that this person has your best interest at heart?
Individual Therapy: Investment
Realistically, reciprocity between two people may not always have a constant and even flow. Depending on people’s life circumstances, they may not be able to give as much as they are receiving from you. Maybe they just had their first child, or they lost a parent, or they just went through a significant move. However, this is where the concept of investment comes in. Do you feel the two of you have invested enough in the relationship in the past that you have a strong enough foundation to be more of the giver during this time? The most important question to ask yourself in such a situation is, do you believe your friend would do the same for you? Would he/she sacrifice her needs and be the friend you need during this time? If your answer is yes, then you know you have a strong enough friendships that it can survive temporary inconsistent reciprocity. However, if your answer is no, then what is it that keeps you in this friendship? What is your motivation to continue this relationship?
Individual Therapy: When the relationship is not reciprocal
You’ve assessed, you’ve explored, and you’ve identified that one of your relationships is not reciprocal, so now what? It is up to you to decide if you want to cut ties completely, confront your friend about the unbalance and how you feel about it, or you can decrease the amount of energy and effort you put into this relationship and simply prioritize this friendship less. Perhaps, there is still something in this relationship you feel is rewarding to you, and you don’t want to let go completely, but you are will to let go slightly. That’s okay. Not every relationship will have the same level of closeness, connection, and time and energy spent. We have many relationships that fill different needs at different times.
Individual Therapy: It’s okay to walk away
Your time is valuable, and so is what you bring to your relationships. It’s okay to be selective in how and who you spend your time with. Who is worth your time? Who is worth investing in? As we get older, there is personal time, and less time to spend with friends. So when that opportunity is there to be social and catchup on your relationships, it’s important that the relationships deserve it. Not every relationship will be worth it, and not every relationship is meant to last forever. Certain relationships are meant to fill a specific purpose and time in your life.
We all need people in our life who contribute to our growth in someway. Whether it’s simply by being support in a time of need, or someone who challenges us to expand our way of thinking, regardless of what it is, it’s important and healthy to have people around you that help you thrive and grow. When we allow people in who do not add to our life in anyway, or simply take without giving back, we are susceptible to stagnation, burnout, or even a poor sense of self. To really take inventory of the quality of your friendships with the goal of eliminating any non-reciprocal or toxic friends, it means we value ourselves enough to believe we deserve better, we deserve to be treated the way we treat others.
Here are some ways to practice reciprocity in your relationship.
1. Discuss honestly and openly
In a relationship, an important principle of reciprocity is being honest and open with your partner because you trust that they have your best interests at heart. If you are afraid to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship, you might be dealing with toxicity.
Hence, you should always be free to discuss with your partner at any time, not minding how strange it might sound.
Similarly, when you discuss with your partner, there is no need to edit the content of your discussion because you don’t want to be judged. Also, if you want something in the relationship, you don’t have to be shy about it.
One of the excuses people give when they cheat is that their partners did not live up to expectations. In some cases, the cheating partner failed to discuss their partner’s shortcomings with them, which is wrong.
For a relationship to work out smoothly, you should be ready to communicate and share your feelings, intents, needs, and wishes with your partner.
2. Learn to give each other space
Many people often misinterpret the original intent of giving their partners space. When it comes to giving space, it is not aimed at ending the relationship.
Instead, it is helping us get in touch with our individuality. In a relationship, it is normal to get involved with many things that make you forget about yourself. This is one of the reasons why people feel drained without knowing why.
In a relationship, another important reciprocal rule to practice is understanding when quality time begins to lose its meaning. Quality time is important, but it becomes an obsession if you want to be by their side 24/7.
When you or your partner finds it challenging to give each other space, you might be entering a toxic relationship. A healthy reciprocal relationship is one that respects the need of both partners to have their private time to keep to themselves.
This is usually the perfect opportunity to strategize, make goals and plan big! The truth is, if you are always around your partner without giving each other breathing space, you won’t have ample opportunity to appreciate them.
3. Trust one another
One of the primary ingredients of a reciprocal relationship is trust. A relationship not built on trust cannot stand the test of time. Life will test your love for each other in a relationship, and it takes attributes like trust to keep defying the odds and staying together as partners.
Trust should not be one-sided in a relationship because it can be frustrating to the partner who is not being trusted. And one of the ways to build trust is by keeping an honest and open communication.
When both parties trust each other, a safe and healthy space is created to build a stable relationship and integrate other attributes like confidence, patience, loyalty, etc.
4. Be committed to one another
Another feature of a reciprocal relationship is staying committed to your partner. When there are ups and downs in your relationship, can your partner trust that you will be there to support them?
A number of times, partners are fond of ghosting off when things get bad with their partner. In comparison, when the going is good, they pretend to offer their best support.
One of the ways that true commitment is tested is how partners react when the relationship threatens to hit the rock. If you always show commitment and your partner shows little or no commitment when it’s their turn, there is a big chance that the relationship is non-reciprocal.
Commitment is beyond being physically present; it involves showing support when it is needed. When your partner needs you to be there for them, they should not be forced to look outside because they are not receiving your support.
5. Equal show of love and care
Love and care are two important factors of a reciprocal relationship. Even though love and care should not be measured, both parties should put in their best to ensure their partner gets enough dose.
If one partner notices that the love and care given out far outweighs the one they receive, it can lay the foundation of resentment. No one likes to be treated unfairly when they go out of their way to show love and care in a relationship.
It is important that you meet the emotional needs of your partner, and showing love and care is the major way to achieving this.
You have to understand that reciprocity in terms of showing love and care is one of the simplest acts to do. With a sufficient and equal show of love and care, you can transform your relationship into one where satisfaction, commitment, and happiness abounds.
In a book by Jennifer Filzen titled The Give to Get Principle, she outlines some reciprocity techniques that made marketing in small businesses successful. Some of these techniques can also be applied in romantic relationships to make it blossom.
What is the positive effect of reciprocity in a relationship?
When reciprocity exists in a relationship, it improves respect, communication, love, and boundaries. It will be evident that both partners care and understand each other.
Here is what you need to know about the importance of reciprocity in relationships.
1. Mutual respect for each other
One of the most crucial characteristics of a healthy relationship is mutual respect. When people spend some time in a relationship, they tend to be careless with their words, behaviors, and actions.
However, if both partners consciously exhibit reciprocity, they will be milder and pleasing with their acts towards each other.
Since you claim to love your partner, it is important to make them feel like an integral part of your world. Lack of reciprocity in relationships prevents mutual respect for each other.
2. Total commitment
With reciprocity comes commitment. People who are not mindful of reciprocity would not be committed to the relationship because they will be mindful of themselves instead of their partners.
However, when reciprocity exists in a relationship, your actions will be hinged on the ripple effect it would have on your partner. Before you make any major decision, you will consult your partner first to know what they think.
3. It is easy to forgive
In a relationship, your partner will have behaviors that will irk you. If you react to every behavior, it means you do not accept your partner unconditionally, and your relationship might not last. When reciprocity is in the picture, it would be easy to forgive and not bear grudges.
Even though forgiveness looks impossible sometimes, it is vital to mention that people who have long-lasting and healthy relationships forgive each other.
Forgiveness doesn’t equate to accepting abusive behaviors from your partner and overlooking them. You need to be aware of toxic and abusive behaviors in your relationship. If you speak up and these behaviors continue, it will be best to part ways.
4. You are sensitive to each other’s love language
Everyone wants to be loved, but we don’t get loved the same way due to our preferences; this is where love languages come in. For instance, if you prefer words of affirmation but it is not your partner’s strong point, you have to communicate to them.
When there is reciprocity in the relationship, you will see the need to inform your partner if you are not loved the way you want.
Similarly, to reciprocate love to your partner, it is vital to know what makes them tick. And one of the best ways to know this is when you communicate with them. When you know what your partner enjoys, it is easy to be more affectionate and loving.
Mr. Lacy E. Wright mentions the need to finding balance with your partner which is a direct ripple effect of reciprocity. With the keys mentioned in this guide, it becomes easier to understand the importance of reciprocity in a relationship.
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Conclusion
Keeping a reciprocal relationship is one of the profound ways to keep your relationship stable. It shows mutual commitment from both parties because a solid foundation is being built in the process. As mentioned earlier, reciprocity allows for trust, which is a crucial ingredient for a long-lasting and successful relationship.
Reference:
Weeks, Gerald, and Treat, Stephen. (2001). Couples in treatment: Techniques and approaches for effective practice. New York, NY: Routledge.
GoodTherapy.org.
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