The Lagos State Police Command said it had arrested one Samuel Adeniyi who allegedly killed his girlfriend with a sledgehammer which he hit on her head in a yet-to-be-disclosed area of Lagos.. It was reported that suspect’s justification for killing the yet-to-be-identified girlfriend was because he was bothered that the girlfriend might leave him for another person. There are many stories of love that turn sour suddenly. I love love. And I love seeing people in love. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if intense romantic love lasted forever? But what if such a desire for love becomes excessive in some people? Could love become an addiction? Love addicts live in a chaotic world of desperate need and emotional despair. Fearful of being alone or rejected, love addicts endlessly search for that special someone—the person that will make the addict feel whole.
Ironically, love addicts oftentimes have had numerous opportunities for the truly intimate experience they think they want. But they are much more strongly attracted to the intense experience of “falling in love” than they are to the peaceful intimacy of healthy relationships. As such, they spend much of their time hunting for “the one.” They base nearly all of their life choices on the desire and search for this perfect relationship – everything from wardrobe choices to endless hours at the gym, to engaging in hobbies and other activities that may or may not interest them, to the ways in which they involve others in conversations and social interactions.
What is love addiction?
Love addiction (also known as pathological love) refers to a “pattern of behavior characterized by a maladaptive, pervasive, and excessive interest towards one or more romantic partners, resulting in lack of control, the renunciation of other interests and behavior, and other negative consequences” (p. 39).1 In love addiction, immature love—love that is uncertain, external, blind, and beyond one’s control—permeates one’s life.2
Prevalence of pathological love is 3-10%, but likely higher in certain populations (e.g., 25% in college students).1,2
Pathological love must be distinguished from other conditions, such as dependent personality disorder or borderline personality disorder; in these disorders, the pattern of dysfunctional behavior is not limited to romantic love.
Love addiction also differs from psychotic disorders, sex addiction, and erotomania—a delusional disorder characterized by the assumption that another (usually high-status) person is in love with the individual.1
What kind of disorder is love addiction?
There is no consensus on the diagnostic criteria for love addiction, nor agreements on what kind of disorder it is.
For instance, pathological love may be an impulse-control disorder—characterized by impulsivity and novelty-seeking.
Others believe pathological love is a mood disorder. Presumably, people with love addiction experience mood states (e.g., hypomania and elation) similar to those who are falling in love or are in the early stages of intense romantic love.
Another possibility is that love addiction belongs to the obsessive-compulsive spectrum; like people with obsessions, those with love addiction might experience repetitive and intrusive thoughts—except that their obsessions will be related to the person they love and not, say, health or cleanliness concerns.
Other researchers have proposed love addiction might be best understood as a biaxial continuum—with the vertical axis representing attachment-related behaviors, and the horizontal axis indicating reward-seeking and impulsivity. For instance, in some individuals, high impulsivity and reward-seeking behavior would co-occur with high levels of attachment behavior, resulting in obsessive or dependent kind of love; in others, high reward-seeking and impulsivity would co-occur with attachment deficits, resulting in high sexual interest.
Causes of a Love Addiction
As with all addictions, sex and love addictions can affect anyone. Nevertheless, some people are more predisposed to developing an addiction than others. Certain contributing factors can mean a person is more at risk of developing an addiction. Primrose Lodge treat the root causes of an individual’s addiction through medical and therapeutic means in order to achieve a full and permanent recovery.
The following factors can contribute to an individual being at higher risk of developing a sex or love addiction:
- Family history–Sex and love addictions can be learned behaviours, and if a child is brought up in a home where one partner is a love addict, that child may go on to believe that this behaviour is normal and so continue the cycle.
- Hormones–Some individuals have higher hormone levels than others; this can affect their sexual drive. Those with high levels of sex hormones may be compelled to engage in excessive sexual activity, as all they can think about is sex and seeking gratification.
- Traumatic experiences– Those who have suffered emotional, physical, or sexual abuse in childhood or during their first encounters with relationships, may be more prone to developing a sex or love addiction. Their traumatic experience(s) is all they have to go on in terms of what a relationship should look like. Low self esteem and self worth can drive the individual to seek out love and sex in the wrong places and with the wrong people.
- Previous bad relationship–Individuals who have suffered previously in a bad relationship may feel unworthy or obsessed with the idea of being in love. They may seek out numerous relationships, desperate to feel loved; or they may stay too long in unloving and unkind relationships, feeling that is all they deserve. By carrying the baggage of their past bad experiences, they will struggle to form healthy relationships with others.
Are you suffering from a love addiction?
For individuals who are truly seeking a long-term relationship, healthy romantic intensity – the “rush” of first love – is the catalyst that brings about the bonding necessary to sustain an intimate attachment. Love addicts, however, are addicted to the rush of first romance, and because of that their relationships never develop beyond this initial, emotionally elevated state. When they are in a relationship, they feel detached, unhappy, restless, irritable, and discontent because the rush has faded. When they are not in a relationship, they feel desperate, unworthy, and alone… until they find a new potential mate and get to experience the high of “falling in love” once more. Typical signs of love addiction include:
- Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love
- Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship
- When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness
- When not in a relationship, feel desperate and alone
- Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off
- Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
- When not in a relationship, compulsively uses sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness
- Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive
- Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs
- Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner
- Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner
- Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner
- Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
- Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship.
- Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships
- Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so
- Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so.
While all romantic relationships may exhibit some of the above signs at least occasionally, with love addiction there is a consistent pattern of one or more (usually more) of the signs, and that pattern results in ongoing and eventually escalating negative life consequences. Much like sex addicts, love addicts are searching for something outside of themselves – a person, relationship, or experience—to provide them with the emotional and life stability they lack. In other words, love addicts use their intensely stimulating romantic experiences to (temporarily) fix themselves and feel emotionally stable. Happily, in a similar fashion to sex addicts – and, in fact, in many of the same treatment and self-help venues – love addicts can find the help they need. Ongoing help can be found in therapy (both individual and group).
Codependency & love addiction: are they the same thing?
There’s not much to be gained by trying to discern the differences in these two concepts. They came into existence and evolved, albeit during different decades, in reference to essentially the same set of dysfunctional patterns that many people exhibit in romantic relationships.
For all practical purposes, codependency and love addiction are essentially about:
losing yourself in relationships, acting out unresolved traumas, and explaining/justifying it all by telling yourself that it is because you “really love” this other person.
Self-compassion is essential
When I work with people in therapy on issues related to codependency and love addiction, I start by emphasizing the importance of self-compassion. These relational patterns cause enormous pain and great confusion, and no one WANTS to engage them. However, we are complex beings, and sometimes we do things that boggle our own and others’ minds.
I don’t emphasize self-compassion as a sentimental point, it’s entirely practical—it’s the foundation for real and enduring personal healing and growth. We humans really struggle with this idea because we live in a ‘get tough’ culture that exhorts us to not be ‘so emotional’, to ‘snap out of it’, etc.
Unless we’ve done the work to understand what self-compassion really is, we associate it with ‘being weak’. We consider it unserious, bordering on naive. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Self-compassion is rigorous and dead serious; it is an expression and activity of deep personal power.
Changing how you talk to yourself
What I help therapy clients do is start talking to themselves with much more kindness and genuine care about all that has been happening. I encourage clients to start slowing down and asking real compassion-based questions rather than the rhetorical and shaming ones they’ve been bombarding themselves with, like “why am I such a idiot”, “what’s wrong with me”, etc.
There are reasons we do what we do and a compassion-based inquiry can help us see more and more clearly the complex interpersonal and emotional dynamics that have been running the show. Constructive self-reflection in therapy takes us in the direction of helping you:
- understand your own and your partner’s attachment styles
- understand the covert processes that are underneath the superficial fighting
- see clearly your own and your partner’s contributions to the conflict and chaos
- see what you yourself need to be doing and NOT doing in order to be part of the solution
Healthy love does not hurt or make you feel crazy
Since codependency and love addiction refer to patterns in how we experience and participate in relationships, it’s useful to ask yourself if any of these patterns resonate with you.
- Being excessively preoccupied with what your partner might be thinking and feeling; repeatedly seeking to get him/her to tell you what he/she is thinking/feeling; being reactive and injured if your partner says things you don’t want to hear;
- Feeling panicked when your partner sends out signals that he/she is taking space; engaging in and utilizing methods of manipulation to try to keep your partner from abandoning you;
- Minimizing the hurtful things your partner says or does, justifying them by saying “it’s just who he/she is,” and repressing the complicated feelings you have about making yourself available for being treated so poorly.
- Walking on eggshells, being regularly fearful about expressing your authentic thoughts and feelings; burying your feelings so as not to rock the boat, but then engaging in escalated aggression when you can no longer push down the feelings.
- Complaining that the relationship does not involve enough closeness, but then relating to your partner in ways that push him/her away, put him/her on the defensive, and stir up drama that crowds out emotional safety.
- Knowing the relationship is unhealthy but avoiding the scary process of addressing things or walking away.
If you see yourself in these patterns, then it’s time to get to work.
The relationship you’re in needs to either be seriously reorganized, or it might need to end. And it’s only YOU whom you can (somewhat) control—so focusing on changing YOURSELF is key. If emotional closeness/safety is not cultivated between romantic partners, then the relationship itself (and your life in general) can chronically feel like you’re living in enemy territory.
Emotional distance & emotional closeness
What we want in relationships is for the inevitable hurtful exchanges to be minimized so that we can maximize emotional closeness (i.e. intimacy, connection, teamwork). Relationships need not be conflict-free; the hope is simply that the RUPTURES in closeness that result from hurtful communication can be REPAIRED sooner rather than later.
In other words: a key aspect of a healthy and enduring relationship is the ability of the couple to repair, to de-escalate tension, and to reconnect in ways that are emotionally satisfying for each partner.
At the present time, where is your relationship on this continuum?
If your relationship is currently more emotionally distant than close, here’s the important question:
Do you expect to reconnect soon or do you and your partner have a habit of perpetuating distance/animosity?
If your answer is the latter then it’s time to ratchet up the emotional honesty with yourself and your partner. Don’t put it off. Deal with it. I’ve seen many couples in therapy over the years who realized only after a few sessions that they should have begun addressing things years earlier.
Codependency and love addiction are characterized by obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviors that seem to seek emotional connection. However, in their actual effect, what’s happening is that they are deepening and reinforcing emotional disconnection. And the emotional pain that results is no joke.
Do you find this article helpful? Drop your comments, share with loved ones, and visit us for help.