By Tara Well, Manish B. Shetty, Antonella Tramacere
Most of us associate looking in the mirror with narcissism or feelings of inadequacy, but learning how to see yourself in your own reflection can increase self-compassion, aid stress management, and improve relationships and emotional resilience.
Mirrors can evoke strong feelings in us, and they can also be incredibly powerful tools for changing our perspective and seeing parts of ourselves that are usually hidden as we look out into the world.
Our desire to be seen and reflected is basic and innate. As children, we learn to understand ourselves through the reflections of those around us. In fact, psychologists have found that face-to-face contact is essential for our social and emotional development. As we spend more time alone and on our devices, we miss out on this social reflection. Through the mirror, we can come face-to-face with ourselves at any time.
A practice that I have developed using a mirror mindfully in meditation can help uncover kinder self-awareness and strengthen our resilience to meet life’s challenges.
Learning to tune into your image will not turn you into a towering narcissist. Quite the opposite: you’ll learn to stay present with yourself, manage the intensity of your emotions, and tap into a new inner strength. In fact, kinder self-awareness is the key to breaking free from the inner critic and the external world that stokes our fears and anxieties that we are never safe, never good enough, and never have enough.
The social neuroscience of mirror gazing
In philosophical and psychological accounts alike, it has been claimed that mirror gazing is like looking at ourselves as others. Social neuroscience and social psychology offer support for this view by showing that we use similar brain and cognitive mechanisms during perception of both others’ and our own face. I analyse these premises to investigate the factors affecting the perception of one’s own mirror image. I analyse mechanisms and processes involved in face perception, mimicry, and emotion recognition and defend the following argument: because perception of others’ face is affected by our feelings toward them, it is likely that feelings toward ourselves affect our responses to the mirror image. One implication is that negative self-feelings can affect mirror gazing, instantiating a vicious cycle where the negative emotional response reflects a previously acquired attitude toward oneself. I conclude by discussing the implications of this view for psychology and social studies.
Feelings in the mirror
When we perceive others’ people in ecological situations, we may do a number of different things: we may mimic their facial expressions and resonate with their emotions; we may empathize or sympathize with them, or show appreciation or depreciation to them. Also, the way we feel toward others affects the way we perceive them and behavioral reactions towards them. For example, if we appreciate someone for their biography or personality, we will likely respond with positive emotions and prosocial behavior to their face (van Baaren et al., 2009; Franzen et al., 2018); on the contrary, if we do not like the other person, we may more probably lack to show sympathy and emotional connection to them.
What happens when we perceive our own self? What do we do, for example, when we look at our own face?
We cannot see our own face directly, but we can see it reflected in a mirror. Because of its autoscopic function, the mirror has fascinated human beings for centuries (Pendergrast, 2009). Through mirrors, we can perceive the visible aspects of our own face and body as others can see them and acquire an externalized perspective on ourselves. The mirror image is an objectified representation of ourselves and allow seeing us as through the gaze of an another.
Because mirror images embody an externalized perspective on the self, the ability to recognize oneself in the mirror has been considered the mark of a self-concept, namely a well-integrated, flexible, and conscious representation of the self as a being in the world (Gallup, 1977). The mirror test (Gallup, 1970, 1979), where experimenters place a dot on the forehead of the subject to see whether they try to touch or remove the dot, has been developed to inquire into animals and children ability to recognize themselves as themselves in the mirror, and to determine whether and when they become self-conscious.
Learning About Yourself by Looking at Yourself
When I was a little girl, I used to look at myself in the side of the shiny chrome toaster on the table, entranced by the expressions that crossed over my face, sometimes exaggerating them, and imitating the adults around me. Looking at my own reflection filled me with amusement and curiosity, and it helped me understand and express emotions. I was able to see how I felt and what I looked like while I was feeling it. This seemed to soothe me and was somehow affirming.
As I grew older, I learned, like most of us do, to use the mirror to monitor my appearance and critique it based on cultural standards of beauty—finding endless flaws and imperfections. Occasionally, I’d rest my gaze for just a moment and look into my own eyes – who was I? How was I really feeling?
One day I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror and was shocked by how sad and distressed I looked — I’d barely realized I felt that way thinking I felt “fine.” I came to realize that I’d been cultivating an image of myself that I thought would be pleasing to other people, and in the process, I’d lost touch with how I felt inside.
Learning to tune into your image will not turn you into a towering narcissist. Quite the opposite: you’ll learn to stay present with yourself, manage the intensity of your emotions, and tap into a new inner strength.
I began to take time to look at my reflection in the mirror, not to focus on my appearance or to imagine how I looked to others, but to simply acknowledge myself and get in touch with how I felt. In doing this over time, I found a way to look past the imperfections in my appearance and see deeper into my own eyes with compassion. It became a meditation. A way to simply be present with no goal other than to be there with myself.
Simply setting a time every day to give myself my own undivided attention became a precious respite from my busy life. I looked forward to having the time to simply rest and relax in my own presence.
But it wasn’t an exercise in self-adoration.
I didn’t sit there blowing kisses at myself. Rather, it was a check-in to how I was feeling about myself, my appearance, my emotions, and the various running dramas in my life. My face revealed a lot – and some of it wasn’t easy to see. I disciplined myself to look at myself regardless of how I was feeling or how many distractions there were in my life. After doing this mirror meditation for at least 10 minutes a day for over a year, I noticed a profound difference — and others did too.
Over time, I learned to approach myself in a way that felt natural, accepting, and kind — and became less self-conscious about my appearance in the process. I also came to use the mirror to manage day-to-day stresses and distractions.
Instead of searching outside myself for people, places and things that would distract me from negative emotions or self-criticism, I used the mirror to face myself and ground myself by simply looking into my own eyes with compassion. I found the mirror was a great way to work out my emotions, too. When I was struggling with negative feelings and there was no one who could lend a compassionate ear—or I just didn’t want to upset anyone or say something I’d regret — the mirror became a powerful reflector of my own pain and suffering.
The mirror offered a perspective that I couldn’t see from inside my own head. I saw myself in a way that was often just too raw and vulnerable to share with others. Looking in the mirror, I was often flooded with a feeling of compassion and appreciation for how much I do and how hard I try — instead of relying on affirmations from others or validation from whatever I was currently defining as “success,” I simply acknowledged myself unapologetically with love and compassion. I didn’t have to do anything, I was worthy of love and compassion by simply being.
My motives for connecting with others were clearer: It was less about getting them to see me and validate me and think I was wonderful, and more about discovering who they truly are, and what they are communicating beyond their words.
Occasionally, my inner critic would erupt, “Isn’t this a bit narcissistic?” “Aren’t you being selfish?” “Shouldn’t you be focusing on helping others less fortunate instead of looking at yourself in the mirror?” When I stopped to really consider these critiques and ask myself how mirror gazing influenced my relationships and general approach to life, I found it had, in fact, created a profound shift. But the irony was that by making time to see myself in the mirror I was actually more interested in making deep connections with others, not less.
Why? My motives for connecting with others were clearer: It was less about getting them to see me and validate me and think I was wonderful, and more about discovering who they truly are, and what they are communicating beyond their words. A common saying is that there are two sides of a conversation: talking and waiting to talk. In the urgency to be seen and acknowledged and understood, we can completely miss each other. By seeing ourselves, we can practice self-compassion about our own needs and build our capacity to see others with compassion.
The other day a friend of mine very casually said, “I am so busy that I don’t find time to even have a look at myself in the mirror.” This thought has lingered on the top of my mind for a very long time now.
A number of deadlines to meet, the rush to reach office on time, worries about how to make time for family and thinking about mundane issues most of the times not even concerned to us, leaves us all with hardly any time to give ourselves a thought.
In fact even while choosing what to wear before stepping out of our homes, we are more worried about others and their preferences. “Will my friends appreciate what I am wearing or will they laugh at me?” This is a question, I think many ask themselves today. Others have become so important in our lives, that the “I” is completely lost.
In the past few days, just ask yourself how much time have you really spent thinking about yourself and what you like doing. No, not about your performance at work. No, not the time you spent scrolling through your Facebook News Feed. Not at all the time, you thought about your boss at work. NO! Stop reading this for a while and just ask yourself. I bet the answer is, hardly any time. The reason is — We are more worried about others and consequences of what they think.
In a recent theatre rehearsal, I came across this really special exercise. That moved me a lot and I think it is important for each and every person to do this. So take some time out from your busy schedule and do this simple exercise. It will help you and you will know how, very soon.
Step 1: Keep your cell phones in silent and throw them aside:
Step 2: Find yourself a Mirror (Preferably with no one in the room)
Step 3: Look eye to eye with the person in the mirror:
Yes, that person there is you. Probably it has been ages since you saw him or her.
Step 4: Say a “Hi” to him or her:
I know it sounds a bit funny and crazy. But it is okay nobody is watching you or judging you. Then, how does it matter?
Step 5: Observe closely your facial features:
Look at what you have done to yourself. Look at that face. The face you have been ignoring for so long. Yes, maybe you did look at it occasionally while wearing that makeup, but did you seriously consider your thoughts or was it not about how you must look good for someone else?
Step 7: Now Recall About Your Happiest Times:
I know it is not easy. Maybe you will not find it. But trust me there is one. It is just that with all your tensions, you have buried it somewhere deep in your mind. It can be anything silly or something big.
Step 8: Smile at the person in the mirror:
Yes, that person you see there in the mirror is the reason you had that happiest time. That person is the only reason why you ever able to smile. Thank yourself!
Step 9: Loudly Say this to the person in the mirror, eye to eye “Thank You”:
Don’t forget to smile. No! Don’t feel shy. It is alright to talk to yourself. All of us do. If you haven’t then that is the reason for all your worries.
Step 10: Now one last thing. Loudly tell that person in the mirror – “I love you.”:
I know it is very hard. But while you say it, you have to mean it. Many of them feel hesitant to tell this. But trust me, just tell this one time and you will feel that love.
I am sure by now you know, how important it is for you to take some time out for yourself. You deserve it! It is not selfish to think about your happiness. It becomes selfish when you harm someone for your gain. The right word is Self-love.
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