Written by Michael Woronko
When this question is asked, people usually think of those they don’t like and who don’t like them.
But the real enemy is hidden inside. Your conscience is your worst enemy. When you are not thinking clearly and don’t have clarity in your actions and behaviors, your conscience kicks in inappropriately and creates guilt.
Feeling guilty when you do something wrong is a good sign. It means that you know what you did. It is easy to fix.
Feeling guilty for your inaction is also good because you are able to identify you didn’t do what was necessary.
Feeling guilty for no good reason is where your conscience becomes your enemy. This guilt makes you think that you are weak, stupid, incapable, and gives you low self-esteem. This kind of guilty conscience makes your life really difficult.
Having a guilty conscience is not always a good thing, but taking actions to fix it makes it good. To take reasonable actions, you must have a clear mind.
We all experience those moments of self-loathing and unrelenting frustration that stem from our own hands. We also seem to hit a wall every now and then, question the road that we’re on and maybe have a quarter and/or middle life crisis. It’s not entirely inexplicable.
Indecision, self-doubt, lack of confidence or motivation are all byproducts of our inner villain. We don’t need to demonstrate a Dexter-complex to know that we can be the number one cause of our own failures and downfalls. Fortunately, there’s a solution: we just have to be aware of this monster inside of us, understand its gameplan, and overpower its demoralizing voice.
So, what do you need to know? Listed below are 8 reasons why you, of all people, are your number one worst enemy, along with how you can overcome, well, yourself.
1. You Don’t Manage Your Expectations
There’s an ambitious, starry-eyed voice that guides you. Even louder may be a voice of complete impracticality and unrealistic hope. Don’t get them confused.
It’s good to expect a lot of yourself, and it’s great to forecast good things coming your way. However, if you walk into every situation with an expectation to gain the most out of it, you’re going to almost always come out of it feeling unfulfilled. If you set ridiculous goals for yourself—say, you’re going to sign up for that gym membership and commit to a workout every second day after work—you’ll either burn yourself out and crash or let go of the commitment and experience some measure of having failed yourself.
This becomes especially dangerous when you mismanage expectations that are outside the sphere of your control. Expecting others to act a certain way, expecting your boss to reward you in the near future or your favorite sports team to win the championship—you have little to no control over these matters and will experience devastation if things don’t work out your way – all due to the mismanagement of your expectations.
Make sure that you set realistic goals for yourself; don’t bite off more than you can chew. Understand that you don’t control things outside of your own sphere. Look for, but don’t expect, that next raise or promotion. Be realistic. If we expect to get everything, we’ll be left feeling unfulfilled; if we don’t expect much, we’ll be left feeling content with what we’ve gained.
There’s this fantasy in your head about how you think things are supposed to be. This fantasy blinds you from reality and prevents you from appreciating the genuine goodness that exists in your life.
The solution? Simple: Drop the needless expectations. Appreciate what is. Hope for the best, but expect less.
You have to accept reality instead of fighting it. Don’t let what you expected to happen blind you from all the good things that are happening. When you stop expecting people and things to be perfectly the way you had imagined, you can enjoy them for who and what they truly are.
Nothing in life is constant. There is neither absolute happiness nor absolute sadness. There are only the changes in our moods that continuously oscillate between these two extremes.
At any given moment we are comparing how we currently feel to how we felt at another time—comparing one level of our contentment to another. In this way, those of us who have felt great sadness are best able to feel heightened feelings of happiness after we emotionally heal. In other words, happiness and sadness need each other. One reinforces the other. Humans must know misery to identify times of elation.
The key is to focus on the good. May you live each moment of your life consciously, and realize that all the happiness you seek is present if you are prepared to notice it. If you are willing to appreciate that this moment is far better than it could have been, you will enjoy it more for what it truly is. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Happiness and Growth chapters of the NEW edition of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
2. You Fail to Appreciate the Small Things
We don’t have much time on this little blue rock that’s hurdling through the universe, but that’s no excuse to rush through life and only focus on the big things that seem to matter. You want a car, a house, a good job, a loving husband or wife, two kids, and a dog. Or cat. That’s all fine, but in the pursuit of these goals we fail to take a second and appreciate the smaller things around us. The aroma rising from a cup of coffee in the morning, the cool breeze that follows a rainfall on the hottest day of the summer, the peculiarity of a cloud Even the small things you do and achieve on a daily basis matter.
One of the fundamental goals in everyone’s life is to have a pleasurable time here. When you begin to appreciate every little thing before your eyes, on a day-to-day basis, you’ll undoubtedly feel enriched. The trick is to keep up with it, as concerns or problems will always bog down our minds and distract our attention.
This becomes especially important in the context of our own success. If we fail to appreciate the small things that we accomplish, we’ll begin to lose a sense of self-respect. If you’re constantly worried about landing that new job, not realizing that you’ve learned to become a master of living on a tight budget in the meantime, then you’re overlooking something that can provide you with a feeling of self-respect. If you find yourself having to bike to work because you need a new car, appreciate the benefits towards your health. It requires a degree of optimism, but taking into account all the good things you do on a small scale helps build your confidence, motivation, and self-respect.
3. You Take Too Much For Granted
Similar to the point made above, this quality of your inner enemy is by far the most pervasive. Every now and again we’ll donate to a charity and count our own blessings, or witness someone close to us experience a tragedy that will result in our own feeling of gratitude for not having to go through what they’re going through. Why aren’t we doing this every day?
If you’re reading this then you’re somewhere with an internet connection, likely with a roof over your head and some time to spare. When was the last time you stopped to truly appreciate your circumstances? And why should we even bother?
When you don’t take things for granted, you simply squeeze more out of life. We always hear, ‘kids in Africa…’ but do we really take time to stop and think of how privileged we may be in the midst of all our complaining? Whether it’s our health, our abilities, the love from friends and family, our hobbies, our freedom from outright tyranny or war-like conditions, we all have something that we can be truly grateful for.
4. You are Your Own Worst Critic
Don’t get me wrong—it’s good be a strict judge of your own character. The problem arises when you take it too far. When you constantly criticize and find faults with what you do and who you are, you’ll never reach a necessary level of satisfaction to be truly content with yourself.
If you tend to judge yourself too much, you effectively hold yourself back; if you sell yourself short, you’ll never experience the full value of your potential. Get to know this voice that criticizes you, try to understand where it comes from and why it is that you listen to it. Don’t beat yourself up over every mistake – after all, experience through mistakes is a perfectly sound method of learning. Constantly over-criticizing yourself will hold you back, hamper your confidence, and make you dwell on things that may not even matter.
You do not suffer from your beliefs. You suffer from your disbeliefs. If you have no hope inside of you, it’s not because there is no hope, it’s because you don’t believe there is.
Since the mind drives the body, it’s the way you think that eventually makes the dreams you dream possible or impossible. Your reality is simply a reflection of your thoughts and the way you routinely contemplate what you know to be true. All too often you literally do not know any better than good enough. Sometimes you have to try to do what you think you can’t do, so you realize that you actually CAN.
It all starts on the inside. You control your thoughts. The only person who can hold you down is YOU.
5. You Over-Analyze
Another characteristic of human nature – we over-think absolutely everything. We can go around in circles, contemplating solutions that aren’t necessary, relying on assumptions that are ultimately false. There’s a struggle between our mind and our instinct, our brain and our heart. We come up with an initial answer to a problem, then over-complicate the matter and do a complete 180. But, it’s good to think things through, is it not?
While it is important to think carefully about certain matters, overthinking them can prove detrimental. For instance, if your next job interview leaves you with a bad feeling (say, you know that your boss would be a real pain to work under), and you instinctively say no, your rationality may eventually override the decision and lead you to take the position because of the other benefits that surround its acquisition. Before you know it, you’re stuck in a miserable circumstance for eight hours a day, later realizing that it’s not worth those benefits.
To avoid unnecessary overthinking, Trust in your instincts, break problems down, and don’t put too much emphasis on idealizing all the potential implications of every decision when a simple pro/con list may suffice. Ensure that you’re not basing decisions upon misled or faulty assumptions; our minds will mistakenly fill in certain blanks to ascertain a desirable answer.
6. You Prefer the Easy Way
When life gives us lemons, why should we bother to make lemonade when we can just go out and buy it? Short cuts are a way of life, and though they may be a necessary time saver, they detract from our sense of working towards something—earning it.
Working towards something affixes a certain meaning to it, develops your sense of appreciation, and contributes to the great sense of accomplishment at the end of the road. Your inner enemy holds you back; if you never go the extra mile, you’ll never experience the extra rewards that may come as a result. You can’t expect full results while using only half the effort. It’s in our nature to avoid inconveniences, but oftentimes they’re called for.
Next time you have to go well out of your way to complete a task or help someone, just do it. Ignore the lazy voice in your head and agree to take the hard way once in a while. You’ll learn a lot about yourself.
The most common and destructive addiction in the world is the draw of comfort. Why pursue growth when you already have 400 television channels and a recliner? Just pass the chip dip and lose yourself in a trance. WRONG! That’s not living—that’s existing. Living is about learning and growing through excitement and discomfort.
Life is filled with questions, many of which don’t have an obvious or immediate answer. It’s your willingness to ask these questions, and your courage to march confidently into the unknown in search of the answers, that gives life it’s meaning.
In the end, you can spend your life feeling sorry for yourself, cowering in the comfort of your routines, wondering why there are so many problems out in the real world, or you can be thankful that you are strong enough to endure them. It just depends on your mindset. The obvious first step, though, is convincing yourself to step out of your comfort zone.
7. You Assume
Projecting certain assumptions onto certain situations can be disastrous. Our brain works to fill in the gaps however it can, forming answers on faulty presumptions if necessary. If you assume your spouse is mad at you for something you may have done, it’ll lead you towards developing a defensive stance or counter-attacking when no concern may even be warranted. Don’t assume that someone may be mad because XYZ happened when you’re unaware of ABC. We make this mistake countless times, all because we subconsciously fill in the blanks with answers that are incorrect.
To prevent this, you have to understand your train of thought. Don’t place your own standards on others, moral or otherwise, as everyone is different and thinks a different way. Rely on valid facts, not just assumptions, before deciding on a particular course of action. Understand that you may not know the full story behind everything you’re involved in. Many times, we must rely on nothing but an assumption—just don’t invest too much in the outcome when you’re dealing with unknown circumstances.
8. You Doubt Yourself
The cliche piece of advice that every parent gives you. And for good reason. Self-doubt is, in itself, unwarranted. If you’ve failed at something and ultimately doubt that you can do it, it’ll only prevent you from progressing. Oftentimes, self-doubt may just be an unwillingness to do something.
There’s a difference between self-doubt and low expectations. Low expectations may lead to a sense of pragmatism, whereas self-doubt may force you to neglect your potential; the former doesn’t hamper your effort whilst the latter certainly does.
Under no circumstances should you ever doubt yourself. When it comes to your potential, realize that the sky is the limit. Use your sense of realism to evaluate the consequences of your action – don’t just pessimistically assume that your action will have unfavourable consequences. Take this time-tested piece of cliche advice into consideration.
All in all, just be aware of your inner enemy. Understand the ways that it tries to hold you back and lead you the wrong way. Constant awareness will shine a light on everything.
9. Your resistance to being vulnerable.
Love is vulnerability. Happiness is vulnerability. The risk of being vulnerable is the price of opening yourself to beauty and opportunity.
Being vulnerable is not about showing the parts of you that are polished; it’s about revealing the unpolished parts you would rather keep hidden from the world. It’s about looking out into the world with an honest, open heart and saying, “This is me. Take me or leave me.”
It’s hard to consciously choose vulnerability. Why? Because the stakes are high. If you reveal your authentic self, there is the possibility that you will be misunderstood, judged, or even rejected. The fear of these things is so powerful that you put on an armored mask to protect yourself. But, of course, this only perpetuates the pain you are trying to avoid.
The truth is nothing worthwhile in this world is a safe bet. Since love and happiness are born out of your willingness to be vulnerable—to be open to something wonderful that could be taken away from you—when you hide from your vulnerability, you automatically hide from everything in life worth attaining. (Read Daring Greatly.).
10. Your obsession with examining personal failures.
Imagine being enrolled in five college classes in which you achieved one A, two B’s and two C’s. Would you concentrate on the A or the C’s? Would you berate yourself for falling short in the C classes? Or would you capitalize on your obvious interest and aptitude in the subject matter of the A class? I hope you realize the value of the latter.
Every morning when you wake up, think of three things that are going well in your life at the moment. As you fall asleep every night, fill your mind with an appreciation for all the small things that went well during the day. Examine your successes.
Give the power of your thinking to the positive influences in your life, and they will grow stronger and more influential every day. Remind yourself often of what works well and why, and you’ll naturally find ways to make lots of other things work well too. The most efficient way to enjoy more success in life is not to obsess yourself with what hasn’t worked in the past, but instead to extend and expand upon the success you already know.
“The unseen enemy is always the most fearsome.” – George R. R. Martin
“What’s holding you back?”I’ve asked hundreds of people this question and I’ve heard hundreds of unique reasons. The answers are a virtual laundry list of problems ranging from the terrible government to rough childhoods to horrible jobs…and just about everything in between.
It’s also a question that I’ve asked myself hundreds of times and came up with my own unique excuses each time. My justifications ran the gamut from not coming from money to having too many freckles to a priest almost beating me up and so much more (depending on the day). And for all of that time, I was stuck in a self-defeating cycle of desolation.
But guess what I discovered? None of those things were to blame. There was (and is) only one real enemy and I live with it every minute of every day…
There’s an old African proverb that says, “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm”. So who is this enemy?
It’s your EGO and if you can defeat and “tame” it, your life will change forever.
This is exactly what author Ryan Holiday walks us through in his excellent new book, aptly titled, Ego Is The Enemy. This quick read offers invaluable advice on how to overcome our worst enemy…and do our best work.
As I was reading Holiday’s book, I found myself nodding my head in agreement time and time again. Not just because of the examples he uses but also because of how my ego has affected my own life.
“While the history books are filled with tales of obsessive, visionary geniuses who remade the world in their image with sheer, almost irrational force, I’ve found that if you go looking you’ll find that history is also made by individuals who fought their egos at every turn, who eschewed the spotlight, and who put their highest goals above their desire for recognition. Engaging with and retelling these stories has been my method of learning and absorbing them.”
I recently interviewed Holiday and asked him a question that often comes up whenever ego is discussed: “Isn’t ego important?” He explained that it’s not about getting rid of your ego completely (that’s not possible) but it’s about not letting it become too big. The definition he uses in the book is “an unhealthy belief in your own importance.”
“It’s that petulant child inside every person, the one that chooses getting his or her way over anything else. The need to be better than, more than, recognized for, far past any reasonable utility–that’s ego. It’s the sense of superiority and certainty that exceeds the bounds of confidence and talent.”
It’s easy to think that ego is just a problem for super successful CEOs and megalomaniac celebrities, right? After taking a quick glance at your social media feeds or after a few interactions at work and you will see this is something that affects us all.
That’s why Ego Is The Enemy is broken down into different sections because “…at any given time in life, people find themselves at one of three stages.” Here’s a quick breakdown of each one.
1) ASPIRE
When: You are setting out to do something new. The start of a great journey. A new goal, calling or beginning (first job, new business, side-hustle, writing a novel, etc).
The “Ego” Problem: You don’t ask for help. You pretend to have it all “figured out”. You don’t want to do something “beneath you.”
The Solution: Think BIG but act SMALL. Be someone who is focused on taking action and learning, and forgo validation and status.
2) SUCCESS
When: You’ve made it! You worked hard and you’re at the top of the mountain of success (or at very close to it).
The “Ego” Problem: You stop learning. You stop listening to advice (you’ve got it all figured out!). You focus too much on everyone else and lose a grasp on what really matters to you.
The Solution: Ask and answer this simple question: WHY DO I DO WHAT I DO? As Holiday explains, “Stare at it until you can [answer it]. Only then will you understand what matters and what doesn’t.”
3) FAILURE
What Is It?: You are experiencing something that everyone (even the most successful people in the world) have gone through over and over…you failed. It might have been an outright flop or perhaps your goal was harder to achieve than you thought it would be and you came up short.
The “Ego” Problem: Your ego tells you that you are a failure. It wants you to believe that you are the only one who has ever failed like this. It gently keeps repeating, “You suck. You suck.”
The Solution: Understand (and know) that you are not a failure but rather, you are simply “experiencing failure”.
Which leads us directly to one of my favorite takeaways from Holiday’s book…
When you’re dealing with failure, you need to embody what’s come to be known as the Stockdale Paradox. This concept is based on the philosopher soldier James Stockdale, who spent seven years in a North Vietnamese prison camp.
“On the one hand, to survive such an ordeal you must have deep faith in yourself and your ability to persevere. On the other, you must be realistic about your situation and surroundings. False hope is not your friend; like ego, it betrays you in the toughest moments.”
In other words, trust in your ability to not only get through this failure and believe that you can persevere to create something even better…but be realistic about what you are facing and what needs to be done now.
My “battle” with my own ego is something I fight everyday. Sometimes I win and sometimes my ego kicks my butt. But I keep fighting, regardless of which of the three stages I’m currently at in life.
“Everyday for the rest of your life you will find yourself at one of three phases: aspiration, success, failure. You will battle the ego in each of them. You will make mistakes in each of them.”
At this point you might be thinking, “Ummm….that sounds like a lot of work. Why should I bother? What’s in it for me?”
“We should want…to do great things. But no less impressive an accomplishment: being better people, being happier people, being balanced people, being content people, being humble and selfless people. Or better yet, all of these traits together.
And what is most obvious but most ignored is that perfecting the personal regularly leads to success as a professional, but rarely the other way around.”
And that’s what makes it a war worth waging…every single day.
I’m still learning from you, but I’m trying to reach my goals. I definitely love reading everything that is written on your site.Keep the posts coming. I liked it!