Key points
- While divorce can be a healthy option for some people, others might experience pain and regret.
- It’s not uncommon to underestimate the effects that divorce will have in various areas of life.
- Therapy, communication, and time can help heal the wounds.
According to a study that didn’t include divorces due to intimate partner violence, affairs, or addictions:
“Statistical data suggests that at least one-third of people regret their marriage dissolution. That number can rise to 80 percent for ex-spouses who chose the wrong reasons to get divorced and feel that it could have been prevented if both parties had put forth more effort.” (1)
It was a seemingly ordinary day, just like any other in our long and seemingly happy marriage. Little did I know that those 10 seconds would shatter everything we had built over two decades.
We sat across from each other at the kitchen table, the air heavy with unspoken tension. The silence between us grew thicker with each passing moment, as if the weight of unaddressed issues had finally reached its breaking point.
In those 10 seconds, I mustered the courage to utter the words that had been festering inside me for far too long. I looked into my partner’s eyes, and with a trembling voice, I spoke the truth that had become unbearable to hide. “I can’t do this anymore,” I whispered.
Shock and disbelief filled the room, as if time itself had paused to witness the unravelling of our once-unbreakable bond. My partner’s eyes widened, searching for answers that were buried deep within the walls we had constructed around our hearts.
The weight of those 10 seconds hung heavy in the air, carrying with it the weight of unfulfilled dreams, untold desires, and years of hidden discontent. It was in that fleeting moment that the realization struck us both — our paths had diverged, and the road ahead could no longer be traveled together.
In the days that followed, we attempted to salvage what remained of our relationship. We sought counseling, engaged in heartfelt conversations, and reminisced about the beautiful moments we had shared. But despite our efforts, the foundation of trust and happiness we had built had crumbled irreparably.
With each passing day, the reality of our impending separation sank deeper into our souls. The pain was immeasurable, as we mourned not only the loss of a life shared but also the hopes and dreams we had woven into the fabric of our partnership.
As we signed the divorce papers, the finality of those 10 seconds became painfully clear. Due to the weight of unspoken words and broken promises, we had changed forever. The life we had meticulously crafted together had come to an end, leaving us to navigate the unfamiliar terrain of starting anew.
But amid the heartache and sorrow, there was a glimmer of hope. The realization that those 10 seconds marked not only an ending but also a new beginning — a chance to rediscover ourselves, to heal, and to find happiness in our individual journeys.
Time has a way of healing wounds, and as the years have passed, we have both grown and evolved separately. Though our paths no longer intertwine, the love that once bound us still lingers in the memories we shared. And as we move forward, we carry with us the lessons learned, the strength gained, and the resilience that comes from surviving the end of a chapter.
Those 10 seconds will forever remain etched in my memory, a bittersweet reminder of the fragility of relationships and the importance of honest communication. They served as a catalyst for self-discovery and taught me that sometimes, in order to find true happiness, we must have the courage to let go of what no longer serves us.
So, as I reflect on those 10 seconds that ended my 20-year marriage, I embrace the lessons learned and cherish the moments of joy that once defined us. And in the vast expanse of the unknown, I take solace in knowing that new beginnings await, ready to unfold with each passing breath.
Why do some people regret getting a divorce?
1. Sometimes, the emotional upheaval of the divorce far exceeds what people might expect.
The unraveling of a relationship may cause extreme and long-lasting grief, anger, anxiety, guilt, and depression. Some may find it so painful that they regret their decision to leave or regret the decision of their spouse. This is especially true with the emotions that overwhelm the person’s ability to cope. Don told me he felt he would never recover, and he wasn’t sure life was worth living anymore. “I’m sticking around for my kids, that’s all,” he said.
2. The effects of divorce on children
In my work with divorcing partners, I have often heard parents say that their children are “strong” and “resilient.” Parents have told me, “I don’t want my kids to see an unhappy marriage,” and “If I am happier, my children will be too. And I’ll be a better parent if I am happier.”
Parents often underestimate the impact of divorce on children, both in the immediate term and in the long term. When parents see that their children are struggling, especially over the long term, they may regret the divorce. Another client told me, “I regret the divorce because of how it hurt my kids, my ex, and many others. But I don’t wish I’d stayed married either….”
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3. The financial consequences of divorce
Dividing assets, paying or receiving child support or spousal support, and other property or monetary settlements during divorce almost always require a reduced standard of living, and this is especially true for women. You or your spouse might have to return to work or postpone retirement to make ends meet. Some people find this so difficult that they may regret their divorce.
Dorothy had to find a job at 63 years old to make ends meet. She hadn’t wanted the divorce in the first place and regretted that she hadn’t worked harder in the marriage “to make my man happy. I never believed he’d leave.”
4. Additional failed relationships
Some people divorce believing that the marriage, or their spouse, is the problem. When they find that the same problems (or new ones) emerge in subsequent relationships, they may realize that they are bringing the same personal issues or negative dynamics to new relationships. This realization may cause them to regret their divorce.
For example, Jack’s partner left after years of begging Jack to stop drinking and work on his anger control. Jack found the same complaints and conflicts in every relationship after his divorce and finally realized he needed to address his own issues. “I had to stop being the drunk party guy,” he says. He deeply regretted his divorce.
5. Loneliness
Some people regret their decision to divorce when they miss the companionship of their former spouse. “She was actually my best friend and knew me better than anyone. I left because I wanted more romance, but now I think that was a mistake,” one client told me. “I hate this online dating, and as an introvert, I’m no good at it,” he added.
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6. Some people regret the divorce when they face the stigma, rejection, or judgment of friends and family.
They may find that they are no longer included in invitations or get-togethers. “I was close to my mother-in-law and felt left out of holiday celebrations, especially when my children were included,” one client said. “But I was specifically uninvited to her funeral.”
Laura had imagined a post-divorce life that was inclusive. “I guess I was naïve to think people wouldn’t take sides. I thought we’d all be able to be friends when the divorce was over.”
7. How the decision was made
Some people regret making the decision to divorce when they believe they didn’t try hard enough to make it work. They regret not seeking counseling or not putting more effort into resolving the issues that led to the divorce. Some realize that they made the decision impulsively. They realize they didn’t take enough time to think through all of the possible outcomes. They may also regret how the divorce itself was conducted, their decisions to fight for unimportant things, or making the process more conflicted than it needed to be. Later, they, too, have regrets.
So what do you do if you have regrets?
1. Acknowledge the emotions and spend some time exploring them.
A few sessions of therapy might help you uncover the reasons for your regrets and clarify your options. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
2. You might reach out to your ex and talk about it.
Perhaps reconciliation is possible. Reconciliation and remarriage are not unheard of.
3. Focus on your personal growth.
It is never too late to learn better ways of being in relationships, new communication skills, and tools to cope with disagreements.
4. Give yourself time to move on.
Healing from divorce takes time and patience, and working with a therapist can help you learn from your past relationships and divorce. Then therapy can help you turn to focus on the future.
sources
medium.com
psychologytoday.com